Exactly one year ago I was taking my Arizona Educator Proficiency exams. I had spent the previous semester at Mesa Verde Elementary learning the methodology of teaching the different content areas practicing by teaching lessons in some of the classrooms there. Taking these tests was part of the path I was on to become a teacher (a course in life I still wasn't positive I wanted to take). I finished my first test, headed to the Safeway across the street from the school, grabbed some food, ate, and then took a nap in my car before I had to take the second test. I was awakened from my nap by some sirens. Feeling pretty rested I got out of my car and went to talk with some friends who were out waiting for test #2 as well. Then some started receiving texts. The sirens that woke me up were headed to a different Safeway a couple miles down the road. Our congresswoman had been shot, and at that point we had heard she was killed. Many others had been wounded or killed as well. This was disturbing news but thankfully the reality of it all had not sunk in. I took my other test and headed home. Not thinking much about my typical route, I realized I was being detoured. The quickest way home went right past the scene of that mornings tragedy. Surprisingly I was still untouched by the situation. I realized the lack of humanity, the need to reach out instead of alienate to those with challenges, and felt the shock of something like this happening at a place you semi-regularly shopped at. Still though, I felt removed from it.
It hurt me to hear about the 9-year old who had been killed. Part of me realized she was just like the students I had just started student-teaching. Then the next morning the news came from one of my teachers the semester before; that 9-year old was Christina Taylor Green. Christina was a 3rd Grader at Mesa Verde Elementary. I had probably smiled and said hello to her while walking around school. I was mentored by the teacher she had the year before in 2nd grade. It finally hit me and took all I had to make it through Church. That night I prayed for strength and worried about how to face my own class the next day. I had not realized the amount of love I had for students I had only known for 4 days. I cried the entire 40 min drive to my school on Monday. I thought about the 3rd Grade class at Mesa Verde that day, I thought about my 3rd Grade class just 8 miles up the road. Nobody had warned me about this part of teaching. There wasn't a course in college that taught me how to teach while my heart was broken. Some of my students had known Christina, they had played baseball with her. I realized quickly that my job was to help them through a reality that was sometimes cruel and confusing.
In all honesty they helped me through. Part of me told me to quit, just like I had tried to do when I was in Kindergarten and my Granddad died. They kept me going. I loved them too much and knew that they loved me to. That semester there was a lot of loss. First came Christina, then my Uncle Dean, then my cooperating teacher's uncle, then her mom.
What I learned was teaching is not just about touching lives, but letting lives touch us. I found out it hurts to love, but that love will also help heal the hurt.
"Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die" D&C 42:45
Here is the shirt I put on this morning. It will always remind me of that school and those lessons learned in my first five days of teaching.
You made me cry. I love you so much.
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