Atlas Shrugged

Many of you already know that Atlas Shrugged is one of my favorite books. If you haven't read it, take a year and take the plunge. It has forever changed the way I think. This is not to say that I agree with everything that is written in the book but you know when you are reading something and think, that's a great line i should write it down. There is a 50 page section were every sentence is 'a great line'. I didn't write it down, but I did 'like' Atlas Shrugged on Facebook and it posts one of those great lines everyday. Here's todays:

 They know that there's no such thing as a lousy job–only 

lousy men who don't care to do it.

I am once again amazed by the perspective on work that my students have. Yesterday I was out a recess at the end of the day and a student comes up to me and asks how much longer until the recess was over. I told him 10 minutes. He then responded that "we are all glad because then Friday is over and we can all go home. Everyone wants to go home on Friday because everyone hates work and hates their job." WHAT?! I quickly responded that I love going to work. He then talked at me about it for another 3 minutes, which I tuned out because I didn't like his opinion. We all have a right to our opinion and the right to ignore the opinions of others. So I did.
My parents have always taught me the importance of work and thankfully we have all been given the opportunity to work. Does the above quote mean that there aren't places of employment that are lousy. Not at all. I know plenty of admirable people who have hated or currently hate their job. I in fact was not too keen on teaching last year. It was not the work that was lousy though, it was the situation. If you read Atlas Shrugged you find that it is focused on intellectual, hard-working heroes who quit their work and go off grid. They didn't hate the work they were simply no longer willing to let others control their will to work. They didn't go to a place and sit around all day reveling in their genius. No they escaped and began their own society where they were required to perform the run of the mill jobs necessary to survive. They thrived and enjoyed the peace that comes when you make or do something meaningful. 
Work is an eternal principle and if we want to enjoy mortality and beyond it is important that we learn to enjoy and care about the work we do. 

Sincerity

First I want you to take a glimpse at this. I thought it was quite enlightening and made me think a little about my own attitude. If you didn't read it basically states that many people in the more youthful (my) generation are living self-scrutinizing, ironic lives devoid of any creativity. That essentially our actions are based on and motivated by 'likes' and the 1-dimensional reactions/responses of our friends to our clever posts on Facebook. 

While talking with my team teachers today we were discussing how more students are becoming indifferent and are uninterested in creating quality work they can be proud of. I had a student question why it was important to make his work look neat. If I, the teacher, can read it and he can get a B why does he need to go through the work to turn his paper the correct way and write within the lines, with the holes on the left side. I would have accepted his debate if he told me that he appreciates the aesthetics of the paper written sideways, or even that it was his birthday so he should decide the rules of paper turning usage nonsense. That was not his argument, he just wanted to do it the wrong way because he thought his defiance and disinterest would make him appear cool. He turned 9 today. Rising up is generation of people who at this young of an age are not cognitively mature enough to really understand irony or sarcasm, but revolve their actions and resulting identity around these literary techniques.

Ones reputation has always been a driving force behind human behavior. The difference is that a reputation used to be based on what you can make, not what you can mock.

Here's what I am going to do. Accept myself for who I am and not hide my ideas and passions behind a cool, uninterested facade. I am Bethany Fern Maroney. I curled my short blonde hair super tight today because I have always thought afros looked really neat. In the seventh grade I wore a hat with a pocket and put a potato in the pocket whilst declaring myself Ms. Potato on her Head (clever and borderline mocking, although I am fairly sure I was the only one who thought so). I also spent some time with a flamingo stuffed animal on my head because I thought it was unique and fun. I spent an entire year wearing pajama pants because I had made many different kinds on my own and I was proud of my work. When I look back I remember defending my choices by saying it was cool, or that it made me different. The truth is, it made me happy, and I believe that should be reason enough.

I also love Christmas sweaters and most of the time don't think they are all that ugly. The good ones have some sweet stitching and sequin placement that probably took someone a nice long time to do. I also thoroughly enjoy looking a the macrame Christmas tree and wall hanging. They remind me of the people I love who made them, and kindle the spirit of the season.

Guess what. I have long claimed to be sarcastic and witty. Here's the truth: I am not, I am sincere and was scared. You can still laugh and enjoy my remarks and lifestyle  It is hopefully fun, lively, and can entertain you. Please peruse my Facebook page and realize those things I said, I mean. You might also realize I have an issue with vanity, really just depends on your definition of excessive. That and I like the sound of superlative adjectives.

I love you all!

My beliefs that back my refusal to go back and check my writing to make sure it is grammatically correct are: 1. Sleep is more important than editing a blog. 2. Ideas are more important than grammar (don't tell my students- sometimes I have to ignore my own morals to allow others to develop their own).

“Consider the reasons which make us certain that we are right... but not the fact that we are certain. If you are not convinced, ignore our certainty. Don't be tempted to substitute our judgment for your own.” | P3C2 ATLAS SHRUGGED

       

Oh my Father

He is a great guy!

If there is a more handy fellow alive I would be shocked. If he happened to be young, attractive, and single I would immediately convince him to marry me. My dad is really the best man I know. He is smart, funny, talented, and has pulled off that mustache for the last 30 years. Not anyone can rock a mustache. He is also much like my Heavenly Father and this weekend I had an experience that reminded me how great my Dads are.

On Friday afternoon I left work as soon as I could to meet up at the West Stake Center with my ward to head on a temple trip. I had just stopped at Sonic and grabbed something to eat (stomach growling in the temple is rough, it is so quiet everyone hears). As I was pulling into the parking lot  a strange noise started and I suddenly smelled anti-freeze. Then I saw coolant spraying and steaming out of my hood as I parked in my spot and turned off my car. It continued to do so until there was a giant puddle of car pee on the passenger side of my car. I immediately called my dad who was working and couldn't pick up. He called me back a couple minutes later and we talked. He told me not to drive my car, find a ride to the temple, enjoy my time there and ask someone to drop me off at home when we got back. He couldn't do anything right now (we live in different towns), but he would drive up in the morning and we would figure out what we need to do then.

I did just that. I went to the temple, did a couple baptisms and road home with the 1st Counselor in the Bishopric and his wife. I even got a blind date due to a conversation on the ride home (you know how some ladies are when they see awesome single girls).

The next morning I woke up, cleaned my house, did some laundry, and watched some football. My dad showed up around 10 and we went to go check out my car. Thankfully we were able to find the problem pretty quick and with my fathers help it was a cheap easy fix. My car has also had some problems with the window regulator, air conditioning, and a squeaky serpentine belt. He checked those out too. He was able to fix the window (not as necessary, cheap, or easy- but he's a champ and it was nice to get it fixed right away);  he also helped a little of the squeakiness although there's not much we could do, and he diagnosed my air conditioning problem. I also got to chat and eat lunch with my favorite fellow which was great!

Fixing cars is what my dad is good at. It is also what he loves to do. He also loves me and was willing to put fixing his race car on hold to help me out.

Similarly fixing our problems is what Heavenly Father is good at, and he loves to do it. He too loves me and is willing to take the time to help me out. Sometimes I try to talk to him and it seems like he is too busy to answer. Sure enough though he gets back to me in a couple minutes. Are my problems solved right away, no. But just like my earthly dad he encourages me to continue my righteous pursuits and look to others for help as he plans out a way to help me in my trial. He then works with me to solve the problem. Sometimes there are other issues that we work on as well while we are on the course. Occasionally I tell him about a struggle I am having and he tells me what needs to be done but that I just need to wait until he can get the things in place that will help me fix it.

My Fathers love me and will not let me suffer. They know what is most important and are always there to give me help and perspective in times of need. They also teach me ways to avoid making my little problems big. Due to my recognition and immediate attempt for assistance from my father I avoided an overheated car and more costly and labor intensive repairs. I love my Dad and am grateful for the example he is to me in my life. I hope I am lucky enough to one day find someone who is just as willing to come to my rescue.

I love my life, my job, and my dead car battery.

Here is the deal, when I consider all the things I have been through in the last week I am left wondering why I am not frustrated and irritated. Instead, I am thinking to myself "Dang, I make awesome Chocolate Chip Cookies!" Here's what has happened.

Thursday I came home to no internet or cable. Mind you my cable has only been on for a week because it took them 3 weeks and an extra $70 in service fees to actually get it working for me. I call them, "We are sorry ma'am you didn't pay your bill on time so we locked you out." I had paid my bill the Sunday before. Apparently something didn't go through with my bank and they didn't think about notifying me. "Please go online and check out your account." That would be great but you have locked me out of my service. I go to school early, go online, and find they have locked me out of my online account. Chat with an online service rep, get my account back and have to start teaching. I call again at lunch, no more help but 30 mins. down the drain. They tell me to go into the store which happens to be a straight shot from work...through 7 miles of construction. I pay it again, this time with my debit card. They turn on my service! Finally. All of this hassle is made up by one entire day dedicated to watching college football. I AM IN A GOOD MOOD.

Sunday, I go to church. Get TWO callings (I have only been in the ward 3 weeks). I deal with it-and am looking forward to it. BTDUB's I am the choir pianist and a gospel doctrine teacher. After getting set apart I head to my car. On the way I run into a little metal ring sticking our of someones bumper and give myself a 2 in. round bruise/welt on both my shin and calf. Then I get in my car, turn the key and nothing. No sounds. We jump start it and I get home but my battery is dead as a door nail. Thankfully the next day is Labor Day so I don't have to worry about getting to work in the morning.

Thanks to some help from a cute guy in my ward, a got a new battery and he got it installed. I was also grateful that he picked up the battery and I could just write a check to pay him back because when I went to the ATM later that day I found out my debit card was expired. After another long chat with an online CSR from the bank (it was Labor Day so of course the bank as well as the customer service line were closed) I found they had never sent me a replacement, or may be they had- there were some conflicting stories on their part. Guess what though, they couldn't verify my authenticity over the internet-even though I am telling them exact charges on my account that they can see on their computer. So, I have to call the bank tomorrow and talk to another CSR who should be able to help me out.

In the mean time today, I seriously ticked of one of my students as the bell was ringing (I told him he need to put his pencil sharpener away, awful I know). Everything about him tightened up and he was shaking with anger. He was also refusing to leave the classroom, and we have already had problems with him getting home on the bus. Way to end the first day back from the weekend.

Lucky me I had no meetings this afternoon. I also had my Seminary and Institute Preservice class today and I always enjoy that. I decided I would then make some cookies to thank the nice gentleman who helped me out with my car. Unfortunately, I don't really know where he lives and it is hard to find a place on Google maps when you are driving in the dark in North Tucson (We don't believe in street lights up here.) I will deliver them tomorrow when it is light out. In the mean time I ate one and it was still warm. MMmmm. Dang I make good Chocolate Chip Cookies! (They weren't actually chocolate chips but chunks of toffee almond symphony bar)

Teacher Taco Tuesdays - Tilapia Tacos

MMmm.
So I sort of made up Teacher Taco Tuesdays last year when I invited some teacher-y friends over and we had tacos and tostados. Last week Brandee came over on Tuesday and had the cable guy not taken for ever we would have actually had tacos (instead we grabbed Chipotle really quick because we didn't have time to get ingredients, cook, and eat....we are teachers back at work which means early to bed). Although nobody was here to enjoy tacos with me today (any teacher friends who are reading let me know I will put you on the list for next week) I decided to make it a weekly thing to have Tacos. I mean, why not?! Tacos are delicious and are like sandwiches, there are so many tasty kinds.
I had/have an enormous amount of tilapia in my freezer because back in June it was on sale and I had just decided I should eat fish. I would say more fish but my fish consumption until now has been at 0. I decided to make fish tacos because supposedly that's a pretty big thing. I don't know why I haven't been eating them my whole life. I searched on pinterest really quick, found a recipe and made some tilapia tacos- recipe here. I even remembered to take a picture  .

Lucky you, you even get a tiny glimpse of my new apartment. More on the new residence should follow in the future. 

Moving on Up!

So apparently I learned all I needed in second grade and I have been moved on up to 3rd. All of you have probably already heard but I recently got a job as a 3rd Grade teacher at Wilson K-8. It is a school in Oro Valley and I am really excited! I went in an saw my classroom today and guess what, I am even more excited now. Last year I had one filing cabinet and an awkwardly positioned, considerably small cabinet. Let's just say I had to be really creative when it came to storage. Not so much now:

This is just my office. No big deal, what teacher wants a place to store all their stuff to they don't have papers come out the wazoo. I mean LOOK at all those cabinets!! Who knew I could get so much joy from seeing shelves for my classroom library? Not to dwell or anything but I have an office. I also met several teachers in the my wing and they all seem great. The teacher across the hall seems super helpful and I am ready to get to work. 

Because my job is so far north and I have to move at the end of the week because the lease is up in the place I am now I decided to find some place to reside. I am relocating to a little one bedroom place in an apartment complex up north (so I don't have to drive as far to work). I move in Saturday and I am excited and a little nervous because it will just be me. I am looking forward to the new beginnings and will definitely post pictures when everything is decorated and ready.

Chaotic Kitchen

Don't get me wrong, I love the way a clean kitchen feels; BUT if I am cooking great food for a bunch of great people I expect my kitchen to be the epicenter of crazy. Thankfully I have the best friends a girl could ask for that are always asking and willing to help. Here is what we created this week!

Salmon Matecumbe  -This was a tasty recipe a made thanks to Dan's suggestion last week. I am trying to become a fish lover, one because of the Omega-3's and also because I think it opens up a ton of options for tasty food. This recipe proved reason number 2 to be true. I served with it some mildly mashed and buttered red potatoes, an eggplant feta salad with dressing made of garlic, red wine vinegar, chili powder, and olive oil. A friend also brought some toast for the side and someone else brought a tasty chocolate mousse to finish us off.


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Next up was my Smoked Ham: I used some indirect grilling and let that hunk of meat cook for a good 4-5 hours. About an hour and a half in I would sporadically brush it with this tasty Apricot Glaze (If I use this glaze again I'd lay off the mustard a little, or go for something a little more unique than the regular yellow stuff). The best accompaniment to this meal was the many people crowding around my little table.   There were some great scalloped and funeral potatoes that were brought and I grilled up some asparagus,  squash, and flat bread with a little help from my loyal partners EVOO, salt, and pepper.


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On Saturday some of my besties came by and we ate a delicious but simple meal. We grilled up some chicken breasts coating them with some Italian dressing along the way, made some more buttery red potatoes, and cooked some frozen peas and carrots. We ended the night with a lot of laughter and some mixed berry frozen yogurt.

Sunday morning I made some poppy seed muffins that came out a little weird looking and some toasted walnut brownies for my ward's recognition of future fathers day. We tied ribbons around empty plates and took them into priesthood (kind of joking that since they have no children they get no treats). Then we let them know that there was table, sure to make one slip into a diabetic coma, next to the kitchen where they could go load up their plates.

That's all I have for right now. If you are sick of reading about food you can either stop reading, find me another hobby, or even better find me a full-time job with benefits and I won't have the absurd amount of time to cook and blog anymore. Looking to the future I think I am going to make a tasty potato soup with my leftover ham bone and probably some stacked enchiladas because they sound really delicious.

My Palate is Pleased

It is two weeks into summer vacation and, well, I am  bored. There is only so many job applications one can fill out and I made a trip last week to Phoenix to let schools know who I am. Right now I check every morning if something new has posted and I wait. In the mean time I scour the internet looking for delicious food to make. (Note that I am living all by myself because my roommates left and I can only really cook two or three times a week because otherwise I am left with an immense amount of left overs)

Last week:
Alfredo the Dark x2
Cuban Pulled Pork Tacos with Guava Glaze, Sour Orange Red Cabbage-Jicama Slaw and Chipotle Mayonnaise on the Food Network
Bananas Foster Ice Cream and Homemade Waffle Cones

I apologize for the lack of pictures, Mom I will get out my camara next time-because all of these are worth making again and again.

A little commentary:
Alfredo the Dark is my absolute favorite dish from Oreganos. Mmm, I salivate just thinking about it. It is half alfredo/half white mac and cheese. About a week ago I decided I was going to clone it. Last night my friend Clary and I worked round three. It still needs some work but here are the basics. Toast 3/4 of a pablano pepper and 3 cloves of garlic in a skillet with some EVOO. Wait for a delicious smell to overcome your senses and then pour in 1/4 cup of stock. Proceed to pour in 2.5 cups of heavy cream and let it simmer until it reduces and becomes half of what it once was. Meanwhile boil some spiral macaroni noodles. Once your cream sauce is reduced add a soup bowl full of freshly grated "southwest cheeses" (I developed this recipe based on a menu description hence the quotations).*** I interpreted southwest cheeses to be Monterrey Jack, Queso Fresco, and a little parmigiana. I am still trying to figure out if it is the correct blend.*** When your noodles are perfect and drained add your sauce to them. Plate the meal by adding some shaved grilled chicken, roma tomatoes, and cilantro on top and serving with a really crisp and crunchy southwest garlic toast.
To create the full meal it is required to immediatly after indulge in a Pizzookie. When I have perfected this recipe I will clean everything up, add an ingredient list, and give you a picture. Right now it is a work in progress.

The Pulled Pork tacos were honestly the most beautifully grouped combination of flavors anyone could ever ask for. Bobbly Flay is my favorite food network chef and I love his recipes. The recipe is linked above. A few notes about this, I do not have a fancy roasting box, I have a grill, a disposable foil pan and  heavy duty aluminum foil. Set one burner of the grill on low and let it cook. Also I just used Simply Orange instead of Fresh Orange Juice. Oh and I used a loin instead of a butt, the loin was on sale. Yes the prep says 13 hours but 1. Most of the time you are not doing anything 2. IT IS WORTH IT. I would not eat slaw on its own, but on the taco it is dynamite. I can not express the explosion of flavor you will experience. If you will not make it your self, let me know and I will make sure you come to my house and eat it.

I fed the missionaries the tacos on Saturday and on Sunday I was talking to my friend at church about how great it was. I told her she could ask the Elders if she wanted another witness, she did. While discussing the tacos and all of the beauty of the combinations of flavors Elder B was pretty much drooling. He then stopped and said, "But is was nothing compared to the alcohol ice cream she served us." Tsk tsk, serving the missionaries alcohol. Absolutely not! I had made Bananas Foster Ice Cream earlier that week and asked if they wanted some. Then everyone asks, whats Bananas Foster. Answer: Bananas caramelized in a Rum syrup, aka delicious. For this I used Our Best Bites Caramelized Banana Ice Cream but added some rum extract to the butter when making the bananas and replaced part of the vanilla extract for rum extract in the ice cream part. When using rum extract it is important to remember that you only need a little. 1 TBSP of rum is equal in flavor to 1/2 tsp of extract. (I am also all about justifying the use of alcohol in cooking. Just so you know 1Tbsp of Vanilla Extract has about the same alcohol content as 1 Tbsp of a Premium Rum--yet for some reason nobody calls Vanilla Ice Cream, alcohol ice cream). It was really great.

This week I am smoking a ham (I have to clean out my freezer before I move) and probably grilling some salmon. For dessert I want to make a coconut cake I found on foodnetwork.com. If anyone has a great labor intensive recipe they want me to try because they are just to busy let me know. If you are in the Tucson area I will even invite you over to eat it.

Baseball: My New Favorite Sport

This is a shocker even to myself. Here it goes. Baseball is my new favorite sport. I will always be better at basketball, I will always enjoy basketball, and March is still one of the greatest times of the year; but baseball is a great sport.
There are several things that make it great.

6. It is in the spring (if you are watching college or training) so the weather in Arizona is fantastic. Nothing like a night game with a gentle breeze. I will admit that for the last 2 days the weather was not the greatest but it was worth all 9 hours of sitting in 103 degree weather.
5. The uniforms. I will openly admit that I enjoy baseball for the same reason many female fans do, this view right here. Nothing like them warming up.

4. It's slow. Previously I would have complained about how slow it was, but I now find it relaxing. I don't have to stand and cheer the whole game I can just relax, count the pitches, crunch some statistics, and enjoy nature and friends.

3. It's predictable and unpredictable all at the same time. The coaches (and myself, yes I am one of those fans) spend so much time analyzing the speed of the pitch, the weaknesses and strengths of the batter, trends during the game, what signs the other team is throwing. Do you check the guy at first, do you pitch for the ground ball hoping to make a double play, do you give it to your guys in the outfield trusting the batter won't be able to muscle it over the fence. In the end once the ball is thrown and the bat makes contact everything changes. It doesn't matter the signs because maybe he hit it of a different part of the bat, the wind caught the ball, the 2nd baseman got the yips, it flew straight to the SS glove. Anything can happen. I could continue for hours on end but I won't.

(Yes that is me on ESPN, looking at the dugout trying to predict what will be thrown, next to me is Rachael the stats girl)
2. It's crazy hard to hit a ball coming at 90 mph with a little bat. The sound of the contact echoing through stadium is true beauty. If you can get a hit 3 times out of 10 you are GREAT. I believe the greatest feeling in sports has to be a home run.
1. You have to finish the game. In football, baseball, and soccer you get a lead and play keep away. The time runs out and you win. Not in baseball, even if you have the lead you have to pitch to them. You have to get the outs.   

This blog is brought to you by my supreme happiness resulting from Arizona's weekend sweep of St. Johns and the resulting advancement to the NCAA championship series in Omaha. Let's play Ball.

Acknowledgments to Burke and Becky for introducing me to and teaching me about the game and how to love it. Also to Jett for being a great catcher and unknowingly being the victim of my lusting eyes. Rachael for her great score book keeping. The scouts that show us their radar reads and chat about the players they are looking at. Lastly to America for making it your pastime.

Oh Whair, oh Whair, is the picture I want

I am getting my hair cut next week and I am having a hard time deciding what I want. Pictures 3 and 4 are what I originally wanted about a month ago, same girl same haircut but styled a little differently. I think 2 is what I am leaning toward right now, but I also LOVE the short edgy-ness of the first one. What are your thoughts?

PS if there is a style that is not on here that you love and wouldn't mind me stealing let me know.

Spring Break

So I had an idea for my own outfit for Morgan's Wedding and then, well, it transformed. I don't do well sitting around and they are so quick and easy to do. Tutorial here. Anyway we might end up making a lot more for Morgan's wedding. We'll see.

Car Woes

Thankfully not my own. Today during parent pick up a car pulls up. As it stops for the students to get in there is a loud noise, steam goes EVERYWHERE, and all of their anti-freeze is dumped in the streets. Needless to say the kids in the car where frightened as well as the mom. They pushed the car out of the way  so we could keep traffic going, but there was still a giant puddle of anti-freeze. Of course all the kiddos were excited and talking about it. There were some pretty funny things said about the exploding car. The funniest was from a kid to his mom while he was getting in the car. The mom had just driven over the green coolant, when he climbs in he yells, "Mom, you just stepped in car pee!" CLASSIC. Funny lines like that have to be the silver lining to those unfortunate events. I find keeping kids around often lighten the mood.

Ice Cream

I have some friends who LOVE going out to eat ice cream. I am talking about 3 times a week. Occasionally I would go with them. Then I got to thinking, how many times would I have to skip on going out to get ice cream to justify buying a Cuisinart Ice Cream maker. Turned out to be 15 times. With the rate that my friends went to get froyo I had a new ice cream maker in just over a month. I thought I would save money by making my ice cream. Well, only sort of. Shelby got me a really cool cookbook for my birthday last year and it has some really tasty recipes in it. Last week I made a Sea Salt caramel ice cream and a pistachio gelato. Both were really tasty. 

My custard making abilities are improving as well. After my ice cream adventures were over I had 16 (yikes) egg whites in my refrigerator. 

If anyone has ideas for other ice cream flavors, or ideas on how to use egg whites let me know!

Party People

To reduce stress, I have recently decided to socialize more. To socialize more, I have recently decided to throw more parties. I started in December with my advent parties, January sort of got skipped, but February  came in strong again. There's not much to say so I will just show the pictures.

This is my Happy 100 Arizona Birthday party. Like Alison we had Sonoran Dogs, Salsa, and an Arizona cake. Greatest celebration for the greatest state in the union. By the way all 5 C's of Arizona were represented at this party. 

Previous to the Arizona Party was my Nice Sunday Gathering that coincided with the Super Bowl. Notice the cute Rice Krispie Footballs. Then Buffalo Chicken Chili. Best of all, my friends. They are the greatest. They will not let me do dishes on my own. 

And the advent parties. I loved these ones because we all looked so classy. (Mostly because they were after Sunday Christmas programs and devotionals). Either way, I love making food and am grateful for the fabulous friends (+2) I have to enjoy it with. 

You don't have to tell me.

"Ms. I am tired." Yup you probably are, it is 1 hour before school gets out on Friday tell me something I don't know.

BUT... it is the weekend. Not really blog worthy but I think it is funny. Even better was one of my kids during a math test. They can't really ask for help because it is a test. I am sitting and a student comes up. "Ms. I just really need some advice." I give as much 'advice' as I can. When he gets back to his seat he points to the kid across from him and says, "I think he could use some advice too. He's a little confused."
Too cute.

Love Hurts and Heals

This morning while getting ready for church I threw on a shirt. I didn't really think about it except that it was V-neck so when I took it off to put on my dress it wouldn't mess up my hair. It wasn't until I changed back into it after church that I realized what I was actually wearing and why it meant so much to me today. Here's the story:

Exactly one year ago I was taking my Arizona Educator Proficiency exams. I had spent the previous semester at Mesa Verde Elementary learning the methodology of teaching the different content areas practicing by teaching lessons in some of the classrooms there. Taking these tests was part of the path I was on to become a teacher (a course in life I still wasn't positive I wanted to take). I finished my first test, headed to the Safeway across the street from the school, grabbed some food, ate, and then took a nap in my car before I had to take the second test. I was awakened from my nap by some sirens. Feeling pretty rested I got out of my car and  went to talk with some friends who were out waiting for test #2 as well. Then some started receiving texts. The sirens that woke me up were headed to a different Safeway a couple miles down the road. Our congresswoman had been shot, and at that point we had heard she was killed. Many others had been wounded  or killed as well. This was disturbing news but thankfully the reality of it all had not sunk in. I took my other test and headed home. Not thinking much about my typical route,  I realized I  was being detoured. The quickest way home went right past the scene of that mornings tragedy. Surprisingly I was still untouched by the situation. I realized the lack of humanity, the need to reach out instead of alienate to those with challenges, and felt the shock of something like this happening at a place you semi-regularly shopped at. Still though, I felt removed from it.

It hurt me to hear about the 9-year old who had been killed. Part of me realized she was just like the students I had just started student-teaching. Then the next morning the news came from one of my teachers the semester before; that 9-year old was Christina Taylor Green. Christina was a 3rd Grader at Mesa Verde Elementary. I had probably smiled and said hello to her while walking around school. I was mentored by the teacher she had the year before in 2nd grade. It finally hit me and took all I had to make it through Church. That night I prayed for strength and worried about how to face my own class the next day. I had not realized the amount of love I had for students I had only known for 4 days. I cried the entire 40 min drive to my school on Monday. I thought about the 3rd Grade class at Mesa Verde that day, I thought about my 3rd Grade class just 8 miles up the road. Nobody had warned me about this part of teaching. There wasn't a course in college that taught me how to teach while my heart was broken. Some of my students had known Christina, they had played baseball with her. I realized quickly that my job was to help them through a reality that was sometimes cruel and confusing.

In all honesty they helped me through. Part of me told me to quit, just like I had tried to do when I was in Kindergarten and my Granddad died. They kept me going. I loved them too much and knew that they loved me to. That semester there was a lot of loss. First came Christina, then my Uncle Dean, then my cooperating teacher's uncle, then her mom.

What I learned was teaching is not just about touching lives, but letting lives touch us. I found out it hurts to love, but that love will also help heal the hurt.

"Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die" D&C 42:45

Here is the shirt I put on this morning. It will always remind me of that school and those lessons learned in my first five days of teaching.